First of all, if you can verbally state to me that you’re “not a dog person,” I am automatically going to assume that you’re a psychopath, and you should leave this blog immediately. Now, if you’re a normal, functioning human being with the rationale that dog is man’s best friend, then you may continue further in this excitement and I will refrain from calling the authorities. Now that that’s cleared up – let’s journey back about two years ago, an adorable light brown, white pawed, four-footed creature came into this world just waiting for her furever home. Well luckily, God spat me – an aspiring dog mom – out into this world just itching to adopt myself a loyal companion. There we were, eye to eye through the stuffy, newspaper filled crate at the dog kennel experiencing love at first sight. She was perfect, she was super gentle and loving from the beginning, I knew she was the one. I rushed to fill out the adoption papers, anxiously waiting for them to call for 5 freaking days! Do ya’ll know how impatient I am? Waiting 5 days for a phone call, let alone 7 days until I could pick up my new bestie – pure torture. Whomever said that money can’t buy friends was completely bullshitting you. Two crisp $100 bills got me the best friend I have ever had. She can’t leave, she can’t argue, she can’t talk behind my back, and she most certainly can’t talk me out of a good bad idea. I will always treasure the look of panic on the cats face as I walked through the door with her newest number one enemy, Luna. That moment was the beginning of the end. Nobody tells you that getting a puppy is a complete and utter shit show. Let me highlight for you just some of the most memorable moments of Luna’s first year of life.
Poop. Poop everywhere – Poop on the carpet, poop on the couch, poop in the bathroom, poop in the kitchen, mounds of poop in the yard – you name it, she did her business on it. I could never wrap my head around how this tiny, 18 pound creature could possibly create so much waste!? Word of advice – puppy pads are a pointless waste of paper, and I highly recommend not buying them. No matter where you place them, your puppers will either tear them apart faster than an angry adult male with a fresh parking ticket, or they will purposefully get down and dirty as close as possible without actually landing on the nicely laid out throne.
Toy murders – a series of unfortunate events – There you are, standing in the pet store, staring down the toy isle contemplating which option would be perfect for your new fluffy angel to play with. Naturally, you can’t decide, she obviously would love one of each, and now you’re awkwardly smiling at the cashier as you pay $87 for 15 brand new toys with no shame. As I get home, I present my haul of toys with pure joy, just waiting to receive my trophy for dog mom of the year. Watching her little booty wiggle wiggle with happiness just made my heart explode until…. fluff went flying, eyeballs were poked out, limbs were ripped off, and squeakers squeaked their last squeak. I was appalled. My child had transformed into a monster! My living room had went from zero to crime scene in a matter or minutes leaving me to clean up the aftermath, carefully placing my hard earned love money into the trash can. -Still totally worth it though.
Pure Destruction – Another thing that people don’t tell you when you get a puppy is that everything in your house has the potential to turn into a challenge. Everything to them appears as fair game, and ripping holes in that brand new, slightly used couch is no match for the mighty 25 pound gentle giant. You watch mom – I got this. She did indeed have this. Let’s just say, a year and a half later, we have two brand new couches.. with covers on them. You might as well forget getting the cat any toys, the dog automatically assumes all materials remotely resembling a toy is claimed as hers, and her mission in life is to destroy them. That is exactly why the cats mission in life is to destroy the dog. Claws to the face, biting of the ears, death plotting stares from across the room.. lets just say the dog is still alive, and is utterly unfazed by the cats mere existence.
Loss of Privacy – Luna is absolutely the most loving puppers I could’ve ever asked for, the only problem is.. she wants to be loving all the time. For instance, when I’m in the bathroom, Luna’s in the bathroom, when I’m eating dinner, she is staring at me eating dinner, when I am sleeping, Luna is right there next to me taking up the entirety of the other half of the bed, using the pillow as if she is a human being. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for sharing my home, but girl personal space is a characteristic that you have not yet acquired.
Basically, you’re bringing a child into this world completely bypassing the infant stage and going straight to the terrible two’s! And let me tell you, my toddler loves to fling her toys all over the living room, eat the food off of my plate, and take up the majority of, if not all of my bed. But, despite all of poop, and destruction – I wouldn’t have it any other way. It didn’t take longer than a day for Luna to become a valued part of the family, although I will caution you before adopting yourself. Integrating a dog into your life is definitely a roller coaster, but when done right – you will have a forever friend, and maybe some missing socks.